Because I Am A Man

I got this email earlier today, and I thought it was funny (because I live with such a man, this all rings true for me) so I wanted to share...

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... (applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men

Well Christmas is done and over with, and I for one am so happy. It isn't that I don't love Christmas, because I do. I hate everything that comes along with it. You know like gathering with my family - who I swear are a bunch of redneck hilbillies (Dickie and his family anyway). Then going to my in-laws house, and being the only one with children, and no one else realizing that having 6 children out from home, 4 hours + past their bedtimes, and they are cranky, crying and drop dead tired, but not willing to go to sleep because they are not at home, is not fun for me. And no I will not stay another 2 hours just so that I can be here at midnight, and then be here to open presents, because I am TIRED of fighting with my children to behave. Plus I have 3 hours worth of wrapping to do at home. I think I have decided that until my children are older (meaning when Jolani is 5 or older) then I am not going to be going out on Christmas eve - or if I do, then I will be home no later than 9:30PM because I do not have the patience for that.

That was the short version. Now for the long version - of the day with my family...

My family is spread out over a couple of states, and no one knows when we are all going to be in the same area. Well this Christmas, both of my brothers, and me and my mom were all going to be around (only wish my grandparents could have come up from Florida) so I decided to have Christmas (eve) dinner at my house. Well when the neighbors from hell moved in below, I changed my mind because I didn't want to hear anything from her. So we decided we would all go to Denny's. That way no one has to cook, and it would just be easier. So we get to Denny's at 1PM. My one brother Scott (we call him Dickie) was there with his wife and two children, my mom was there, and we were waiting for Alan and Trish, my other brother and his wife. So we are waiting in line for the workers at Denny's to push the tables together. (18 people - 11 of them children, 6 of those mine), and as we are waiting Dickie says, man I wish I didn't come today. I hate coming across that bridge. I could be at home sitting on the couch eating good food. (he lives on the other side of the bay bridge). I gave him a hug and told him in his ear that if it was that much trouble then he can go home then. Meanwhile, Jacob - his 11 year old is yelling at the waiter who is trying to get the table set - he is telling him to hurry up, can he move a little faster, and does he need him (Jacob) to come and help him because he (Jacob) could do it many times faster than the waiter. Then his mother, Angie joins in, Yeah, we can help you and get it done much faster than you can. WTH?? She is a grown adult, and she is taking cues from hre ignorant 11 year old? Then she turns around and joins in my brother and mine conversation. She said yeah, I could have cooked some good food since I know it would have been to much for you, (Umm, Angie, remember I cancelled having it my house because I have the neighbors from hell?? It has nothing to do with me being able to cook or not). So now we are sitting down and Seth, my almost 5 year old nephew (Dickie and Angie's son) is sitting next to Andre, and he is poking him, and pinching him, and punching him even after Andre told him to stop. So I am keeping an eye on things, and Andre gets fed up with Seth not stopping, so he in turn gives Seth an indian burn. Seth then starts to cry, and both Dickie and Angie jump up and begin to yell at Andre asking him what he did to Seth, and he told him what and why he did it, and they started to yell at him telling him that Seth wouldn't do anything like that. My mom was watching everything too and jumped in and gave them both what for, and Seth too for that matter. She told them that before they start yelling at anyone they should pay more attention to their child, that he is not a perfect little angel, and that he annoys the piss out of everyone, and that is what happens. And if he doesn't like it, then he needs to be taught that when someone tells him to stop, then he needs to stop. We then finsih dinner, and head over to my mom's house to open presents. It was a nice time with the kids enjoying their gifts and what not, until Jacob opens his.

"I don't like this shit. This shit is for babies, and I am not a baby." Then he proceeds to throw it across the floor, stomps around for a couple of minutes, and complains to his mother. then he stomps out and begins to throw rocks at the house to get rid of his anger. Angie then goes to my mother (who gave the "baby" gifts to Jacob) and says, you have to excuse Jacob. He thinks his gifts are for babies because it says not suitable for children under the age of 3. And he is well above 3 years old.

Then I open my gift, and it is 4 or 5 sizes to big (obviously so), and Angie says to me, I know the shirt is probably to small, but I got it at Rose's, and their is no Rose's around here. Well the tag says it is from Lane Bryant, so I can take it back there, but it is actually to big. then she wants to argue with me that is isn't from Lane Bryant. So I just shut up, so I wouldn't end up smacking her.

Where is the dicipline of that child? I will say this, if it was my child first he would know better. I understand if he was not happy with his present, but at some point training takes over, and they know to at least smile and say thank you. But if one of my children did act like this, their would be sore buts, no presents - as I would take the ungrateful childs presents from them and give it to someone who would be grateful to get something - and lots of dry mouths from saying I am sorry and thank you over and over.

But the best part about this is that they then gathered their stuff together and left my mom's early to go to Walmart before it closed to exchange all of the gifts and get something different. then Jacob called my mother and said thank you for buying stuff that cost that amount of money because he was then able to get some other good stuff that he liked instead.

I really wish I could stick my mouth/opinions where it really doesn't belong. It is funny that between me and my two brothers, one has 2 boys, and one has a daughter and 2 boys, then I have 6 children. With my two brothers they have a more traditional family style with the mother and father, and they both take an active part in the family life etc. etc. and their chlidren are rude - well Dickies kids are rude, and don't listen, and Alan's kids, they are good children, but they are let loose to do what they want alot too. Like at my grandfathers birthday party, Alan's kids were licking the icing off the side of the cake. I said something to my brother, and he just turned around and said John, dont like the icing. John went back to licking the icing, and no one said anything more. But my children, the first two I pretty much raised by myself (When I had Andre, I was a single parent - then when Jordan was born, she was only 5 months or so when her father and I got seperated) then when I met my husband, Jordan was 4, and in the 5 years that we have been together he has worked two jobs, and for 10 months of that time he was in Honduras. So in alot of ways, I have been a single mother. Yet my children know better. I don't know.

Free to good home...

Just in time for CHRISTMAS!!!!

Free to good home:

Johan, a cute, loveable almost 2 year old who does not know how to sleep past 6AM, who does not know how to sit still - even if it is for 2 minutes.

When you tell him something, he shakes his head and says un-uh real loud. He likes to push chairs into the kitchen and climb on the counters to open the cans of powdered formula and dump them on the floor.

He knows how to use a hanger as a lethal weapon - just ask Jordan - he doesn't like to wear a wet or poopy diaper, and is very good about taking it off, and if it contains poop, then he will pull that out of the diaper and bring it to you for you to dispose of. He will then try to put the previously poopy diaper back on.

He likes to turn the lights on and off, the tv off if you are watching something good, or if you aren't then he likes to turn it on and the volume all the way up. He also likes to eat non-stop, and go non-stop.

He is a good sleeper once you can get him to sleep (note to self...maybe try nyquil??) and he is easy to take care of. Just leave a cup anywhere within his reach, and the toilet lid open, and he will drink whenever he is thirsty. He can also open the fridge to get out whatever he is in the mood for as well.

He is also extremely good at finding the hidden crisco, baby oil, vaseline, etc. etc. and opening it and smearing it on the tv/on his hair/on his sisters hair/on the tile floor/on the windows.

He is very talented in throwing away anything important... i.e. drivers liscense, the telephone, the cell phone, house keys, car keys, mailbox keys pens and pencils (of course that is after he draws you a priceless picture on the wall - one that covers the entire hallway, living room, bedroom, and bathroom wall)

He loves to come by and give lots of hugs and kisses too!

Also available are 5 other children of various ages:

• 4 months old (teething baby girl who doesn't like to sleep for anything because her gums hurt)
• 3 year old who... scratch that - Isa has been pretty good here lately.
• 3 - almost 4 year old who knows everything, and thanks to school no longer takes naps and is cranky and cries at the drop of the hat and is ready for bed by 5:00PM
• 9 year old girl who if I didn't know better was already dealing with constant PMS, and who is sure to become a famous actress one day, know especially for the high drama, full of tears at the drop of a hat scenes
• 11 year old boy who knows it all, and can't be told otherwise. Who has attitude enough for the whole state of New York. Who is so so smart in so many different subjects, but yet is bringing home 4 D's (between 60- 66%) an A in gym, and a B in oragami making.
  

If you would like more information on any of these children please feel free to call me and leave a message at

1-800-stressed mama

...but wait there is more.

Included in the price of Free to good home is... a 33 yr old husband whose favorite pasttime is getting on my nerves, pointing out everything that I do wrong while neglecting to notice what I do right. He is really good at complaining about everything from the people he works with to the people on the tv. He likes to be fed all hours of the day and night, and doesn't want to be left alone - not even for 10 minutes so one can do something like take a shower, or go to the bathroom. If he is left alone he surely will come looking for you, call you on the cell phone to see what you are doing, how long you are going to be gone and when you are coming back. He is also a little slow as he doesn't understand why one gets irritated and short with him because the mother of the family never has a moments peace from anyone and is about to check into a looney bin. The phrase "being sucked dry" means nothing to any of them...

The Day My Life Changed - And For The Better

October 20, 2001.
That is the day that my life changed. And for the better. In september of 2001, I was at a point with my life where the last thing that I wanted in my life, was the thing that I needed most. That was when I started a new job, and met my now husband.

At that point I was still sort of involved with my 1st husband, I wanted to end things, but I was really scared to do it. My biggest fear in life was to be alone. And that what was stopping me from getting rid of a relationship that was holding me back.

In the month that I worked at the new place, I got to know Lale, and I thought to myself that he had such a nice smile, and beautiful expressive eyes that always seemed to be smiling. One day we were in the kitchen of my work, and we were talking about stuff in general, and I asked him out. That for me was something that I never did. I think that was the first and only time that I ever asked anyone out. And that following Saturday we went out. That Saturday was October 20, 2001. From that day on, we have been together, and even though we have had some issues that possibly could have broken us up, it has made us stronger. I thank God everyday that my mother went into that place and talked to one of the managers about me, and if they had any openings for any position that was flexible since I was a single mother of two. If it wasn't for her, I never would have known of that place, much less gone to fill out an application, and work there and meet my now husband. He has shown me that I do deserve good things in my life. That I do deserve to be loved. He has shown me that it is possible to have both a best friend, as well as passion all together in the same person. Before him, I never knew it was possible.

Today is our 5 anniversary from the first time we went out, and in 19 days we will be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary. And for me, each day is an adventure that I look forward to experiencing with him. And as much as we bicker, I wouldn't change a thing about him.

Update on Life and Lale vs the crickets

Well I have a moment while Jolani is down sleeping. Hopefully she will stay asleep. She is dong better, but still not 100%. She went in for her 2 month check up last Friday and she got her shots. Well they also gave her an oral vacine for the rotovirus, which can put little ones in the hospital. I know, I spent 4 days there with Johan earlier this year when he was so so sick. Even with IV's it took them 3 days to get him hydrated enough to where he was wetting his diaper like he usually does. And for those who know, when you get an IV, you pee like there is no tomorrow. It wasn't until the 4th day - they day they sent us home - that he finally got to where he was peeing out of his diapers in 2 hours. So anyway, with the rotovirus vacine, they give it orally, and it includes 5 different types of live rotovirus things. And of course she got sick. She just didn't feel well, wanting to be held 24/7 not sleeping at night unless she was being held, diarrhea (why is that word so hard to spell??) and she has just been miserable. However, she is on the mend now. Sleeping more - without me, smiling again and just ebing more sociable. We just need to get the diarrhea to clear up and we will be great!! Now, onto a crazy mish mash of thoughts for today...

Taurus:
They sure look good in glossy magazine ads, but luxury products hold no key to your contentedness today. Cars, jewelry and designer clothes are nothing more than empty material goods. If you're planning a shopping trip, try not to get hypnotized by the bling you encounter. It's time to be more particular about what you use your plastic on. Frivolous things won't bring the joy they once did, and they always cost more than they are worth, at least in terms of the value they bring your life.

Isn't that the truth? And it is funny that I have not been buying as much stuff as before. Partly because there is no moolah, but also because we ahve enough stuff in here. Actually, more than enough stuff. Plus, I was talking with my SIL about Honduras, and our plans for a restaurant, and how it isn't going to happen. At least on my part. With my foot the way it is, just being on it for a bit during the day, it swells up like crazy. So there is no way I am going to be able to do that. And she has varicose veins so bad, by the time we get there, and get out restaurant set up, she isn't going to want to be there on her feet all day either. So we were discussing buying more land - but together - and building a cuartaria - which is basically a row of mini apartments/effeciency type of places. Like a motel almost, with a line of rooms, but each place has two rooms a kitchen and living room. (yes a bathroom too) and they rent it by the month. Well it just so happens that her cousin had just called her the day before about some apartments in La Ceiba that were for sale, in front of the University. It is being sold for $500,000 Limperas ($25139.00 USD) and they would take payments (rare for there). Well that would only be approx $13000 USD for each of us to come up with, and in payments that can be done. If we make $1000 payments each month, for a year, plus add what we make out of rent, it will be paid quickly. Then once that is paid off, buy some land and build the cuarterias. That makes me more tranqul because I was worried about being able to make money there to live when I wont be able to stay on my feet for long. Also, where we are building our house (the 2nd one - the one we are giong to be saying at) they are in the process of building a mall, so I am going to be able to have my place where I have good condition 2nd hand clothes (or ones that I can find cheaply here i.e. the $1 shorts I found the other day at walmart) and I also will be able to sell snow cones, taquitos, cotton candy and just little things like that from home too. (we would build the bottom level of the house for business, or a portion of it anyway, and the top level for living quarters. So that makes me excited. (plus it is almost tax season - whoo hoo, I make good money from January to April, what some people make in a year, but it sucks because the rest of the year I feel like I make nothing, and that I am not contributing financially to the household. But this money goes towards our goal of moving to Honduras in 2008. This year I am also going to be selling pupusas, (mmmm pupusas) and sodas out of the house to the people who come by for taxes, so that should be pretty good extra cash as well. I just wish it would hury up and get here, LOL. (once it starts, you will here me saying, GOD I wish it would end and these idiots would just go away, LOL - although there will be tons of stories about them, I promise)

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Lale 1 - crickets 0

It is that time of year again. Invasion of the crickets. That means different things to the different people in the household.

For Andre it means it is time to run and hide from those crazy jumping animals, because God forbid they jump on him. For Jordan, it means finding shoes to kill the crickets that Andre just ran from. For Mickey and Isa it means followig their sounds, trying to find them to show Andre, and laugh at him scream and run away. For Johan it means finding them either dead or alive and trying to eat them before someone grabs them away from him. For Jolani, it means nothing, LOL For me, it means time to laugh at my sons crazy phobia (laughing to myself) of all things bug related, and laughing - outloud this time - at my husband as he and the crickets engage in a battle of outsmart outwit outlast. For the past two nights, there was a cricket in the bathroom. Now this cricket will sit there and sing nonstop all night long. Some crickets they can play a couple of different notes, and tones or whatever. Not this cricket. All this cricket can do is chirp.....(he is just warming up now) chirp.... chirp...(now he is getting going) chirp..chirp.(here he goes)

chirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirp

all the same note, with no varience at all. I made a comment about it, and Lale said, oh no, it doesn't bother him, in Honduras you hear a chorus of them all night long. No biggie for me, I can sleep through the stupid cricket. Well last night, Lale decides he is going to find that cricket and let him know how much he appreciates the seranade. Well I thought the cricket was either on the wall or in the wall behind the sink, going by the sound. Well we would be in bed, and he would start chirping, and so Lale would get up and "sneak" into the bathroom to try to find it. And the cricket would shut up. Back to bed he would come, and the chirping would once again start up. ack to the bathroom and so on and so forth, until after about 15 minutes of this, Lale decides he is going to hang out in the bathroom and wait for him. After about 30 seconds of waiting, he gets tired of waiting (patience is not a virtue he has) and starts hollaring at this cricket to come out and show himself. I am in the bed giggling to myself. The cricket then chirps three times, as if to say come and find me buddy. So he starts looking. He hears him, and now the man is trying to take the sink off the wall (why?? I don't know) all the while cussing at this cricket in spanish, and throwing in his own chirping, and some english as well for good measure. (hearing him in the bathroom, his voice echoing off the bottom of the sink "pinche saltamonte te voy a encontrar chirp chirp chirp, yeah me entiendes now buddy chirp chirp dontcha") I was dying it was so funny. It is times like these I wish I had the camcorder battery charged always. He spent almost an hour in the bathroom trying to find the cricket, and he finally did find it. It had been in the sink, and crawled into the hole for when you put to much water in the sink, so my husband got big cup of hot water, and poured it in the hole and we have been chirp free ever sense. I am almost praying we get some more hiding crickets in there, just so that I get another show.