The History of My Future

When I got married to my first husband in 96 I thought it was going to be forever. I was one that thought that love conquered all. But it doesn't. It doesn't conquer you not having money to pay the bills. It doesn't conquer your husband putting friends and everything else above family. It doesn't conquer two "children" (20 yr olds) who don't know how to deal with the problems in a way other than yelling at each other, then ahving make up sex and forgetting the issue. With my first husband we had a lot of passion. I am not talking about sex (although we had a lot of that too). I am talking about passion in the sense of in everything that we did, we gave it our all. We would be the absolute best friends you could ever imagine, all huggy kissy and what not when we got along, but boy when we didn't it was all out screaming and hollaring and what not. It was all passion though. After almost 2 years of all of this passion is when I finally kicked him out for what was supposed to be a 2 month seperation so that he could see and realize what it wa that I did for him, and what he was missing without me, and I could do the same (by the way, not a good way to fix your problems). It didn't work. We spent the next some odd years trying to make things right between us without ever knowing how, nor what was wrong. Plus he was not willing to give up his drinking EVERYDAY with his friends, and that was a condition on my part. During the time that we were split up, I had a friend that I dated. I didn't love him, although at the time I thought I did. I just loved him like a friend, and was grateful for the help that he gave me, and the friendship that he offered me. I remember telling my mother that in my first husband I found all this passion and love, and in my friend, I had my best friend - someone I could count on and talk to, but none of the passion and love, and would I ever find someone who offered it all.

Well in September 01, right after 9-11 I began working at Chicken Out as an assistant manager. In my first week I made friends with most of the kitchen staff - especially Gloria, her brother. I prefered to hang out in the kitchen with the kitchen guys because I just fit in,a nd they liked talking to me because I was a "gringa" who could speak spanish. (although nowhere near as good as I can now.) When I had my two weeks of training in the kitchen it was mostly Gloria and her brother that did my training as Gloria was the Kitchen Manager, and her brother was the assistant manager. Well I really fell for her brother. There was something about his eyes and his smile that just made him do something for me. I know he felt it too because one day we were in the walkin and as I was walking out, he was walking in, and he wanted to kiss me. He didn't, but he wanted too. Now I was still "seeing" my husband - those ties were so hard to break - and I wasn't looking for anyone to date or anything else, but for some reason him wanting to kiss me intrigued me, and I asked him out. He was supposed to pick me up the following night from work (I didn't have a car then) and give me a ride home, and on Saturday we were going out. Wll he came by work, but we finished real early and the manager that closed gave me a ride home so in case he really didn't come and get me, I wouldn't be stranded in the middle of a parking lot at 1:30AM. So the next day I found out that he did come by to pick me up. I felt so bad. But we were still on for Saturday. And Saturday night he came to pick me up, and we went with his cousin (Lale's car had broken down, so his cousin acted as chofer) to a bar had a couple of beers and some dinner. After that, we were together. When I think to back then, and I almost wish we could go back to those times. I was alot younger - mentally - and things just seemed so much easier. On the weekends, my older two would be gone to their fathers house, and I was free to be a young person, not a struggling single mother. He would come over and we would hang out, sleep late on the weekends, go to the flea market, go out to eat, go shopping whatever. It was so nice to be free. I knew he called the mother of his children, and his kids, but for the longest time I thought it was just to check in and what not. I never knew that he was still making plans of the future with her. If I had known before hand, I would never had gone out with him in the first place. By the time I had found out, I had had Mickey and was pregnant with Isa. We had discussed marriage, and I had put into the works for a divorce from my first husband. That was hard for me, to give up what I had known (my first husband) and take that leap of faith to trust Lale. I had to take a hard look and say which is better for me and my children. Which is better for long term - for my forever, and make my choice that way. I chose Lale (which by the way is his nickname, pronounced Lah-Lay). While I was pregnant with Mickey, he had made the decision to go back to Honduras to see his children. It had been almost 4 years of not seeing them grow, not seeing them anything. A couple of weeks later, Suyapa found out about me, and about being pregnant with Mickey she had alot to say about him, and she threatened to take his kids from him. She would hide them, and he would never see them again and so forth if he didn't come back to Honduras RIGHT NOW. That is when he told me about her and how things really were between them. I was so hurt, and I didn't know what to do really. I understood as I had said before about not really cutting all the ties and being confused. I told him to go back and make up his mind about him and her, and about him and I. I would give him one year. When he left Mickey was 6 months old and I was 5 months pregnant with Isa. Gloria and I took him to the airport, and I remember watching him walk to the security, and he didn't look back, and all I did was cry. I hurt so bad. That month, I couldn't eat anything. When I tried I threw up. From month 5 to month 6 of my pregnancy I lost 11 pounds from not eating. I survived off of diet pepsi and a jar of fruit a day, basically. And it took me a week to be able to eat that. I cried myself to sleep everynight, I loved that man (still do) and missed him so much. Mickey was use to waking up at 11:30pm to see him because he would just be getting home from work, and would play with her. After he left she would still get up at 11:30 for her playtime. That broke my heart.

I knew that things there weren't good for him, and that she was causing all sorts of problems with him - not from him telling me, but from his mom, and his father and others. We talked twice a week for an hour or so at a time. I spent $500 a month on long distance each month, plus lord knows how much more on calling cards. I just knew I had to hear his voice. In October he and I talked about me coming down there and us getting married. I was so excited. He choose me. It was finally my turn to be happy. I was 8 months pregnant with Isa, and the doctor gave me less than a week to be gone. I was there for 5 days. The wedding was nice, and coming home, I almost didn't get on the plane. I cried the whole way home on the flight, and it was a while before I could eat again. It was like the first time he left all over again. I didn't have much time to be so upset because in the next four weeks, I had to pack and move everything from my apartment to a bigger one, then I had Isa as well. So this time the seperation issues didn't go as far as the first time. Plus we were married,a nd I knew he choose me. Only he didn't. Not really. He never told her that we got married (his excuse was that he didn't want any more problems where she would take the kids) - although she did find out - and for the remainder of his time in Honduras, he stayed in the same house, supposedly on the couch, but I know better.

After he came back, he was not the same as he was before he went to Honduras. I was so happy to see him, as he was me, but he was so sad. And it was because he had just left his children again, but also because he left her again. He told me that he thought he wanted to go back to Honduras and be with her. That he loved her and was so upset that things didn't work out, and how he wanted to go back and make things work. It about killed me. And I was pregnant with Johan at this point. I told him to go. I told him to walk out the door, go back to Honduras and enjoy life with her and his children there. I also told him that if he did walk out the door, he was not coming back through it. Even if he only made it 3 steps away and changed his mind, once out the door he was not welcome back. As for his children, they would know who he was, and I would send pictures, call on the phone and when I could, I would take them to Honduras to see him. They would see him - but not me. He didn't understand why I would not want to see him again. I tried to explain to him that it would hurt to much. That I loved him enough to let him go back to her if he felt that being abused and treated like crap would make his life great, then go right ahead. In February (he came back in June) when I was 8 months pregnant with Johan, I finally called Suyapa to have a heart to heart with her. Something had been bothering me for a while. I wanted to apologize to her for everything that had happened and let her know that if I had known from the get go how things were, then I never would have gone out with him. My first husband cheated on me, and I know the feeling. I am not the type to do that to someone else. Especially when there are children involved. While we were on the phone, she began asking me all sorts of questions and she didn't know that I was pregnant with Johan, and I told her and we talked for a good hour or so. I told her that if he wanted to go back to her (by this time he was saying he wasn't sure what he wanted. He loved her, and he loved me, and was confused. (I had told him I understood seeing as how I had to deal with that when I first started dating him) but that he had to make a choice. And that while he was here I was not going to let him go without a struggle. I loved him that much that I decided to think of myself for once. If he chose to go, then I would not have anymore contact with him like that, but until he walked out the door, I was fighting for him. I told her that as well. It was a difficult year from the time he came back until August of the following year. We had lots of issues, and lots of tears and anger dealing with all of this. Mainly dealing with the fact that he was a coward all of this time, and he should have just told the truth from day one to both of us. Then things wouldn't get so complicated. There were so many times that I thought about just having him leave. But I loved this man to much to do that. I believed that God put him in my life for a reason - and that reason was for my happily ever after (still do on both accounts), just the way we went about it was the wrong way. I told him that I would not give up. I also reminded him that I told him before we ever got married that if I got married again it would be forever. So he knew what I wanted before hand, and not to expect me to divorce him. He wanted to leave, there was the door, but a divorce was not happening. It took him a while, but finally in August he opened his eyes and realized that he wanted to go back to her out of guilt for his children, and ot of guilt for a promise that he made to her when she was pregnant with Gisela (who is now 12) that he would never leave her. And he didn't want to break his promise. So he finally called her and they had it out, and that was it. Now she still gives him grief and all sorts of problems, but it is to harrass him, and just still cause him problems. She told a mutual friend (so that it would get back to him) that she was going to make his life a living hell and cause as much difficulty as she can for him and I. But the sad thing is that where we are in our relationship, he is what I always wanted. He is my best friend, and all that passion combined. We talk about everything. although we may not agree on alot of stuff, and we bicker over silly stuff (that is our form of stress relief after a long day at work for him, and a long day of children for me) we are so strong right now, and I believe that we will be strong like this until the day one of us dies, just with each day we get stronger. Another sad thing is, as I said before, she is now married, and due to have her first child with her new husband, and she has nothing better to do than to fill the kids heads with crap, and try to make my life crap. I just sit and think that one day soon she will get was she has given - only 100x over. That thought there keeps me calm. I just wish my husband could remember that when he talk to his kids so that he keeps calm, and doesn't let them make him feel guilty.

This October will be 5 years together, and November will be 3 years married. Thinking back, that is the longest that I have been with anyone - I mean living together and working as a team with no seperation, (and although he was in Honduras for 10 months - I don't view it as a seperation so much, because he and I were still together (more like a trio huh, instead of a couple - but I stood by him, so I can say to much about that - to me we were still together), no major major fights (maybe major issues, but not really fights). I take it one day at a time, but I keep my eyes on the prize. A long life filled with lots of love, lots of bickering, and lots of sharing jello on the front porch of our house watching the grandkids.