Thursday, October 16, 2014

Stream of Consiousness for Black Hawk Down

While watching the movie Black Hawk Down my mind was all over the place. So many thoughts brought on because of the movie, were bouncing around, running into and over each other, I wasn’t able to just relax and watch the movie. So I grabbed a pen and paper, and wrote down my thoughts as they came to me. It was interesting to go back and look at my thoughts and reactions after the movie was done. I think I might do this again with other movies.

Here we go…
  • This whole thing happened 21 years ago.
  • Idealism and the US are not the best mix. It’s too hard to choose who to help. As much as we would like to, we can’t help everyone.
  •  HA! I love it. Yurel is the dude from the movie Tigerland. (Another good movie by the way).
  • Orlando Bloom is way sexier on apirate ship than as a soldier, (where is still sexy) but is 10 times sexier as a soldier than he was in The Fellowship of the Rings/ The Hobbit, LOL.
  • Josh Hartnett is sexy as heck man.
  • Premonitions have got to screw with your head don’t you think. You are sent to do a job. A job that you have been trained for. And then you get this feeling. I would think it would undermine your confidence. But even if it didn’t, would that premonition help you or hurt you? Do you become more careful and extra vigilant, or does fear take over without you even know it, and you over think something and then make mistakes?
  • As a mother in general, a mother to a child in the military, to know what the parents/wives of some of these soldiers are about to hear, it breaks my heart.
  • Black Hawk Down! Black Hawk Down! The whole mission for the day can be summed up into 2 words. Cluster Fuck.
  • Where did the guns and ammo that Aidid’s militia, and the market place venders, where did they originally come from? How did they end up in the hands of these people? Is this another the US will use the bad guys to help further their (the US) plans, train them, heavily arm them etc., and then when they are finished let them go about their lives, only to have to come back and deal with them as enemies at a later date??
  • Above all else, remember you are in God’s hands.
  • I understand the WHAT and the WHY they are doing this, but man this is such an unnecessary loss of life.
  • Where is Chalk 4? They are six blocks away from the crash site. Well they need to haul ass. WTH?? That pisses me off!!! Let’s see, you are at the JOC watching this on a screen. They are on the ground taking fire, not out for a leisurely stroll. They are working their way to the crash site as best as they can. So shut the hell up about hauling ass. You don’t like how fast they are moving, get in there and do it yourself. Let’s see how fast you get to the crash site.
  • It’s horrible that is happened, but I would think when it is all said and done, while grateful that you survived, it would have to be embarrassing to come so close to death because you missed the rope and basically fell from the helicopter.
  • Humvee’s need better protection for the one manning the guns. I wonder if they have been changed.
  • Those *F*ers in the chopper giving directions to the crash site really need to be fired. If I was relying on them to give me directions, they are above me looking down, and they are telling me what they are telling these other guys, I swear I would want to be the crap out of them if we all lived.
  • Two snipers VOLUNTEERING to secure the crash site for super bird 64, and it was denied. They know the risks they are taking. Instead they were told help is on the way. Not sure how long it would take to get help, but it was on its way. (It took hours by the way.) So, thanks but no thanks. (Eventually they were allowed in, and died, but in doing so they saved Michael Durant.)
  • Even with all of the destruction in this place, there is beauty. You have the beaches and waterfront, but also man made beauty. The hanging metal work caught my eye. Even falling apart after being in a building that had been basically bombed, it still was so pretty. (Yes I know it was a film version of the events, but still)
  • I love the lone donkey. He was probably one of my favorite parts of the movie because it was so random. I wonder if that really happened in real life.
  • I understand why they are broken down at boot camp/basic training. It’s to be brought back up – but as a team. To take orders without questions. If they weren’t taught that, you would hear “*F* that – I’m outta here!” all the time.
  •  How was this raid ever a good idea? I’m not talking about the actual raid, the objective of the raid. I’m talking about how was this plan put in place, and everyone looked over it and said, oh yeah this looks like a good idea. Send in this amount of people to do A, B and C. Everyone else in the city, armed with basically the same weapons as us, is going to get scared and let us take a bunch of people with no retaliation. Was it arrogance or what? There had to have been a better plan.
  • Kilo 11 (Hoot). Dude. I could eat you with a spoon. YUM.
  • Since they didn’t tell anyone else that they were going in, and now they need help like yesterday, and the guy in JOC is angry, because 10th mountain said they weren’t in the know, they weren’t ready with back up, so it would take a couple of hours. The need help NOW!!! Um, ever heard this saying? Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. (Even if you are the all mighty U.S of A.) I think that fits this situation dead on.
  • I could never be a doctor or nurse. I couldn’t handle it.
  • It’s never ok to lie. What about to those who are dying. Telling them that they are ok. They are going to make it. Just to keep them calm. Is it ok then, to give them some peace?
  • Why do I choose the loooooong movies to watch late at night?
  •  Why do I choose to drink a BIG glass of tea during the looooooooooong movies?
  • I really, really, really have to pee. But I really, really, REALLY don’t want to have to hit pause. I hope I can make it and not pee myself.
  • It’s got to be hard for the medics to see them die. (I know it’s hard for everyone, but especially hard for the medics). Knowing they couldn’t do it. They couldn’t save them. It isn’t their fault, but I bet they feel that way. Especially in a war zone out in the field, not back at base. Their survivor guilt must be HUGE.
  • How many times did these guys think Why the *F* am I here, why the *F* are we here. (Not in Somalia, but on this raid.)
  • NSA = No Shit Assessment. I love that.
  • These damn beetle bug things that keep crashing into me are starting to tick me off.
  • The vehicles are full. Get on the roof. ??? How is that even remotely ok? So they are going to use the vehicles as cover, and what do they do? Drive off and leave them on foot to find their own way. No cover, no ammo, nothing. I’m sorry, you’ve been out here 15 hours or so, fighting for your life basically the entire time, but you are going to have to find your own way back to us. After all, no one gets left behind, and all of that.
  • Surreal = the Pakistan guys with white towels over one arm and trays of water in the other offering you a glass of ice cold water.
  • HEY! I saw his eyes move. Dead men’s eyes DON’T move.
  • In this SNAFU over 1000 Somalis died. 19 Americans died.
  • Michael Durant who was captured was released after 11 days.
  • I wonder what the surviving troops think about this. I wonder what the families of the dead think about this.
  • What ever happened to Hoot (Kilo 11)?

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Its hard being a mother

I know that a lot of people talk about the hard work it is being a mother. But to me, I don't think it is. Its a lot of stuff, it's never ending, but it isn't hard. I have ten children. Eight of them my own. Eight of them raised from birth. Its been an adventure, but for me it's been easy being a mom. And don't get me wrong, I know that other people have different experiences that I do, and I am not bashing them, or anything else by any means. This is just my opinion on my reality. So please take no offense.

Note though, I said I don't think it is hard work being a mother. It is hard to be a mother. There is a difference there, you see. As a mother, you give and sacrifice and do all that you can for your children. You go without so that your children can 'go with'. But even that is part of your everyday life as a mother. And to me, even that isn't hard.

What is hard is when your children are in pain, or are hurting in any way, shape or form. But especially when they are hurting on the inside. When their hearts are in pain. That's when being a mother gets hard. This past year or so I have had to let go, watch one of my daughters cry, more than once, over the lack of responsibility of her father, seen other of my children cry for various reasons, due to lack of understanding, or due to hurtful things said by other children. That is when it gets hard.

The most recent was Friday. The kids called, and I told Mickey Happy Birthday, because two days earlier, she had just celebrated her 11th birthday. I was sad because I wasn't there for her birthday, and when I talked to her, she sounded really sad. It broke my heart, and when she started to cry and tell me that she missed me, I just wanted to curl up in a ball. My baby girl was crying, and I was the cause of the pain. It didn't matter that it couldn't be helped, it still broke my heart.

Micaella, December 10, 2014

A few weeks ago when after Andre left for boot camp, I was watching videos online of boot camp, and I cried. I didn't want some person in my sons face screaming at him. I cried because, while I know it is a necessary part of military training, someone was in my sons face. And I'm not there to scream back at this person. (Andre would die of embarrassment if I was, and did that lol)

Andre, 3rd from left, in the chow line during basic

This past year other of my children have cried because some other kids have hurt their feelings, or their father said or did something to hurt their hearts, and as a mom, you feel that hurt, magnified 100 times. That's what is hard about being a mother.

All you can do though is give them a hug, and give them the tools they need to deal with this hurt. This world is a hurtful place. And at some point you have to let the kids go. You have to have faith that you have taught them the right way to act and the right way to react to something. You have to have faith that everything you have instilled in them these past 18 plus years will override the negative influences of the world around them. You have to be able to take a step back and let those children go where they feel they need to go, and do what they feel they need to do. Hardest of all, you have to be able to let your children make mistakes. Let your children learn life the hard way sometimes. You can give them advice, but in the end the decision is theirs, and they are the ones who have to live with the consequences. You can be there for them when they need you, (as a mother, you are there for them always, are you not?) you can comfort them and you can support them always, and unconditionally. That really is what being a mother is all about.

That's a lot of what God does for us. He raises you in the faith and teaches you the right way to act and react, he gives you the tools you need to make the correct choices, but in the end, all of the choices you make, they are yours to make. He allows you to make your decisions, and allows you to live with and deal with the consequences. But he is also there for you when you need him, (he is there for you always) he comforts you and supports you always, and unconditionally.

Monday, February 3, 2014

America the Beautiful

As soon as I saw this commercial, I got it right away. I knew as soon as I saw this commercial there was going to be controversy.

This country has 313.9 million people living in it. In those 313.9 million people, there are people from all over the world. We all know this. America is known as the melting pot. Remember? That means that everyone's cultures come together in this country. It doesn't mean when you move to America you become a 'Stepford Wife' of the person next to you. When you move to America, you keep your culture, your history, your language (although not as much as the generations go on). Yes English is the national language. But it isnt the only language.

Coca Cola is showcasing what is best about America. Our diversity. Its the same song all the way through, just translated. How beautiful is that, someone took enough time and care to learn the song in their native language. That is a compliment.

For such an all inclusive country, we have a long long way to go.

Well done Coca Cola, well done. Beautiful commercial, beautiful meaning.

Opening my heart

Something I read today really struck my heart. It seems a lot of things on Facebook has had to deal with marriage, and they are things that speak to me. And they are things that *I* can do to make a difference in my own relationship.

Almost 4 years ago I left Honduras and come to the US to work to help make money because of my husbands accident. 3 1/2 years ago I went back home for what was supposed to be a two week vacation and to surprise my husband for his birthday. I never made it back. I didn't come back for two reasons. The first was I just couldn't be away from my family anymore. While I was here in the states I cried every night. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. My family is my life.

The second reason was a lot harder to deal with. While I was in the states working, my husband was with someone else. Then when I got back, three days later, we got into a huge argument, (and I do mean huge) and we separated. He left, he moved right up the street, and the kids stayed with me. My stepson has lived with me since then as well.

Since then we have had our issues, we've had out fights, and we have had our own things to deal with, but through it all, I still love my husband. My husband drives me crazy and makes me so mad, and sometimes I just want to wring his neck, but I still love him. I still believe that he is the man that God has intended for me.

Ari and Lale at the airport
For the longest time I have done any and everything I could do to help him out, and make his life easier. Because I love him. But recently, not so much. I know that love isn't all about giving someone what they want. Love sometimes involves the word no. not just sometimes, many times it involves the word no. And that is ok. When I tell my children no, usually there is a reason, and I say no because I love them. I want what is best for them. Sometimes they have to work for what they want. Here lately, I have begun to do that for my husband. And its hard. Its easier to say no to the children because they are learning, when it is your spouse, they are your partner. What one has, the other one has.

Wait, you say. You are separated, so why do you even care. Why do you bother. When I got married to Lale, I told him ahead of time, this is a forever thing. Make sure you know before we do this because this is what it means to me. And I mean it. This man is my husband. And I am his wife.

Its not ok, but he is forgiven. How can I not forgive him. How many times has God forgiven me? How many times more will God forgive me? So what right do I have not to forgive someone?

Lale, Christmas morning at our house
I am not perfect, and in all of this I played my own part of it. When we were arguing I told him to take his $h!t and get out, and don't come back. I didn't mean it. I said it out of anger. And he left. He said some things too, but the point is, we both are at fault. So is the girl who knew he was married and decided to sleep with my husband. she too is at fault. I don't love her, so the forgiveness is a bit harder. I have forgiven her. By forgiving her, the anger doesn't go away, the hurt doesn't go away. And forgiveness isn't a one time thing. Its something that sometimes has to be done over, and over and over again. Sometimes I ask God why do I have to forgive her - again. The forgiveness though, it isn't for her. Or for anyone else, its only for me. But not forgiving someone, all that does is cause bitterness to well in me. I've read somewhere that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison to punish someone else.

In my heart I believe that we will eventually work our mess out, and we will be back together. There are some lessons that I obviously still have to learn from this, as well as some lessons that he has to learn. In the meantime, I will continue to love this man, and be the best wife that I can. I will continue to pray for him, and for us.
Ari giving her Papi a kiss good-bye at the airport

Friday, January 31, 2014

Love - On a Plate

I am not always a very lovey dovey person. 
I say I love you, and I’ll hug a person, but the way I show my love for someone is buying doing things for them. And my favorite way to say I love you is with food. I love to cook a lot of food, both in quantity, as well as a lot of different food. Im funny like that. I like to plan a big dinner or something, and stress out, and work my butt off, and freak out. That’s my favorite way to say I love you. 

Anyways, Andre is shipping out to basic, and he can’t leave without me cooking for him. But cooking for him, my style. I planned this huge menu and invited a bunch of people over for a going away type dinner. And I may be in pain, and I may get stressed out, but it is all to let Andre know that I love him. To remind him of what he means to me. Of how special he is to me. 

This boy has caused me so many heartaches, and so many tears. But he has also caused me to laugh so much that I have almost peed myself. Every one of my children are special to me. But he was my first. He was my practice baby, lol. When he was a baby, I took him everywhere with me. I remember at the hospital, he was eating about an ounce or so of formula at each feeding, which is normal, and his first feeding at home he ate the 4 ounces and cried for more. I freaked out. I asked mom what was wrong with him. I said in the hospital he only was eating 1 ounce at a time, and he just finished 4 ounces and cried for more. His first feeding home he ended up eating 5 ounces. At 5 days old he was eating 8 ounces every 3 hours, and at 8 days he was eating 8 ounces with cereal every 3 ½ – 4 hours. If it didn’t have cereal he was eating 8 ounces every 2 hours. At his 2 week check up he was almost double his body weight. (He weighed 9lbs 2oz at birth, and at 2 weeks he was 16lbs) the boy loved to eat. 

Actually I should say loves to eat. That is something he never outgrew. In his 18 years he has challenged me, and changed me. I am proud of who he is, and who he has become. He has grown into the awesome man that I saw and imagined way back when. It breaks my heart to say good bye, to let him go. But it is time for him to spread his wings. And the ARMY is the perfect place for him to do that. When you leave the hospital, they don’t give you a handbook that tells you to be ready for the heartache and hurt that your heart goes through as your child grows. 

They don’t tell you how hard it is to watch them grow, and watch them make mistakes. You know that those mistakes are the ones that end up transforming them into the adults they were meant to be, but that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier. They don’t tell you how much it hurts to let them go, how strong the mothers bond is. They don’t tell you how your whole being fills with pride and love and happiness when you look at your child, and it’s the same pride and love that happiness that makes it so hard to let them go. They don’t prepare you for whats to come. They don’t tell you though that as they grow, the relationship between child and parent changes and becomes even more special. And that change in the relationship makes all the pain worthwhile.