Monday, February 3, 2014

Opening my heart

Something I read today really struck my heart. It seems a lot of things on Facebook has had to deal with marriage, and they are things that speak to me. And they are things that *I* can do to make a difference in my own relationship.

Almost 4 years ago I left Honduras and come to the US to work to help make money because of my husbands accident. 3 1/2 years ago I went back home for what was supposed to be a two week vacation and to surprise my husband for his birthday. I never made it back. I didn't come back for two reasons. The first was I just couldn't be away from my family anymore. While I was here in the states I cried every night. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. My family is my life.

The second reason was a lot harder to deal with. While I was in the states working, my husband was with someone else. Then when I got back, three days later, we got into a huge argument, (and I do mean huge) and we separated. He left, he moved right up the street, and the kids stayed with me. My stepson has lived with me since then as well.

Since then we have had our issues, we've had out fights, and we have had our own things to deal with, but through it all, I still love my husband. My husband drives me crazy and makes me so mad, and sometimes I just want to wring his neck, but I still love him. I still believe that he is the man that God has intended for me.

Ari and Lale at the airport
For the longest time I have done any and everything I could do to help him out, and make his life easier. Because I love him. But recently, not so much. I know that love isn't all about giving someone what they want. Love sometimes involves the word no. not just sometimes, many times it involves the word no. And that is ok. When I tell my children no, usually there is a reason, and I say no because I love them. I want what is best for them. Sometimes they have to work for what they want. Here lately, I have begun to do that for my husband. And its hard. Its easier to say no to the children because they are learning, when it is your spouse, they are your partner. What one has, the other one has.

Wait, you say. You are separated, so why do you even care. Why do you bother. When I got married to Lale, I told him ahead of time, this is a forever thing. Make sure you know before we do this because this is what it means to me. And I mean it. This man is my husband. And I am his wife.

Its not ok, but he is forgiven. How can I not forgive him. How many times has God forgiven me? How many times more will God forgive me? So what right do I have not to forgive someone?

Lale, Christmas morning at our house
I am not perfect, and in all of this I played my own part of it. When we were arguing I told him to take his $h!t and get out, and don't come back. I didn't mean it. I said it out of anger. And he left. He said some things too, but the point is, we both are at fault. So is the girl who knew he was married and decided to sleep with my husband. she too is at fault. I don't love her, so the forgiveness is a bit harder. I have forgiven her. By forgiving her, the anger doesn't go away, the hurt doesn't go away. And forgiveness isn't a one time thing. Its something that sometimes has to be done over, and over and over again. Sometimes I ask God why do I have to forgive her - again. The forgiveness though, it isn't for her. Or for anyone else, its only for me. But not forgiving someone, all that does is cause bitterness to well in me. I've read somewhere that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison to punish someone else.

In my heart I believe that we will eventually work our mess out, and we will be back together. There are some lessons that I obviously still have to learn from this, as well as some lessons that he has to learn. In the meantime, I will continue to love this man, and be the best wife that I can. I will continue to pray for him, and for us.
Ari giving her Papi a kiss good-bye at the airport

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jenn,, your heart is as big as the ocean. I won't pretend to understand but just know someone is thinking of you & praying for strength & resolution for you and your marriage. Keep praying my friend!
Your amiga in Tennessee!