Sunday, August 20, 2006

I had a plan - then reality set in

(post written on Sunday August 20, 2006)
4 weeks post partem = post partem hormones = crying at everything, crying at nothing.

I am sitting here listening to music crying - almost sobbing - and feeling stupid. I know the reason for my tears. There isn't any, it is just hormnes going crazy trying to get back to normal, but I can't stop the tears. The music that I have on tonight has me thinking back to when I was in high school.

Back then my life revolved around one thing. Horses. I had my life all planned out. I would own a Quarter Horse Breeding Farm. And not the newer style quarter horses with thorobred infused bloodlines, but the "truer" stockier more compact Quarter Horse. I would be married to someone who wouldn't be afraid of long days and hard work. Someone who wanted to work with me on the farm. And i always wanted a big family too. Never had a set number, although I used to tell everyone that I wanted ten children. But really I just wanted alot - as much as God was willing to give me type of deal. I never really had my ideal husband pictured. I guess I never thought that far ahead in my planning - I was to preoccupied with what my ideal horses would look like. Maybe I thought he would come with the farm, I don't know. I knew where I wanted to go to school (Johnson & Wales in Rhode Island), I knew what I would major in (Equine Business Management). Then when i graduated, I would go west, find a farm to work on (King Ranch was a goal) and my life would just unfold from there.

Then reality happened. I met a lovely jerk, fell in stupid with him (thought it was love), got pregnant and had Andre. We broke up officially when Andre was 3 months old, but looking back, on his side we never were even really together as boyfriend and girlfriend. (shows you how stupid I was - 4 yrs with him, and I thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were nothing). Then when Andre was 8 months old, I met my first husband. He told me things that I wanted to hear, and I did fall in love with him. We got married, I got pregnant, and had Jordan 20 days shy of 2 years after I had Andre. From there I just spent my time trying to survive life with two children, and a husband whose friends and beer were more important than having food in the fridgerator for the children, paying the rent so the kids had a roof over their heads - and I worked both outside the home, and inside the home, but my money wasn't enough to pay the rent, much less the day care, the electric, buy food and so forth. So I kicked him out - I could do bad by myself. I didn't need his help. So I was evicted twice, had two vehicles reposessed, spent two months in the winter with no electric. It was so cold that Jordan, Andre and I slept in the same bed with extra layers of clothes on to keep warm. I didn't have electric, so I didn't have an alarm - so I had a friend call me each morning to wake us up so I could get to work.

I finally got a good job, and I met my now husband and although I had to quit that job, because I didn't have anyone dependable that I could count on to watch my children, and I couldn't afford day care, things started going uphill from there.

I moved into an apartment that I could afford, I had my husband to count on for help.(although we didn't get married until 2 years after we met and started dating - I had to get my divorce from ding dong #1 first) Now my husband and I, we had alot of our own issues, and there was a time that I didn't think that we were going to make it. It was while I was pregnant with Mickey - and I mean I sat down and thought really hard about if we were going to be able to make it or not. He had a temper, and although he had never hit me, he had threatened me once - maybe twice, I don't remember now. And I told him that after my first husband beat the crap out of me that one time, it would never happen with anyone again. He told me he would never hit a woman, and if he felt like he was going to it would be better if he left, and never come back. And I told him that even so, I wasn't going to deal with him destroying crap because he was angry (which he did do that - one day I went out, and I was relying on others to bring me home as I didn't have a car - and I got home real real late, and when I got inside he had turned over the table and sofa's and made a mess of everything) and the crap he did destroy he was replacing, and he was cleaning up the mess he made, and he had to apologize to my children because they walked into the house before I did and saw the mess, and that was what REALLY pissed me off. They didn't need to see that. And he did all of that. I also told him that when my first beat the crap out of me, I took it - I was in shock and didn't even think to fight back - but if he ever felt like he was going to lay a hand on me to remember that although he may be a hell of alot stronger than I am, I am a big girl, and I am a strong girl, and I will come back swinging too. But we worked through that. I put him on "probation" so to speak, and he had no more incident with his anger (where he pulled that crap). Now he still gets angry at things (like for example - the screen door will be closed and he will open the sliding glass door, and not see the screen door and walk right into it. Then the screen door gets kicked, and he gets mad at me for laughing at him, but that is normal.)

After we got married and after the ten months he was in Honduras visiting his children there, and he came back we had some major issues (that is another post for the near future I am sure) and again I didn't think we would make it. But I told him that I wasn't giving up on us, and I wasn't going to let him go without a fight. And I didn't and we are now closer than we ever have been. My grandparents left a couple of weeks ago to move to Florida (we live in Maryland) and we went to visit them their last weekend in this area, and we both can see us like my grandparents. We both want that. My grandparents have been married for 64 years. They are still so much in love it is so cute. I sent them a bunch of questions for them to answer once they get settled in their new place in Florida, and when I get the answers back, I am going to write their story here. I love their story.

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