Monday, June 21, 2010

Silver Lining

I believe in silver linings. I believe that there is a reason for everything - even when I do not see any obvious reason why things happen the way they do, eventually - sometimes years later - the reason shows itself. God lets me see his plan, and why things happen the way that they do on His own time.

For instance, the car accident. I am so grateful that my husband and his friend who was in the car with him both survived, and while there is still a tiny bit of residual damage with my husband, both guys are pretty much back to 100%. The accident and almost dying however has changed my husband. He has become a bit more patient, he has decided to become more thankful for things he has. He has gone back to church, and when he gets frustrated, he now works on his mood a bit more, and talks things out more, instead of causing an arguement taking it out on whoever is around (me! LOL)

As you all know, I am here to work to pay off the debt. Well we owe (after interest) almost $14500 to three different people. Well I set up a payment plan for the $10500 that we owe the one person, so thats one weight lifted off my shoulders. So that leaves around $4000 left to pay right now. So I am working and sending money - money for the day to day living of the family, and money that should be going towards the debt. Except that things KEEP coming up, and nothing is being paid on the debt. The stuff that keeps coming up is unplanned, but stuff that HAS to be taken care of. For instance, the tires blow out on the car, well they have to be replaced because we need the car. The kids have to get to school. Everytime there is a bit of extra money, something seems to pop up - its the same thing that happened when I was down there. It gets frustrating, no doubt. And even more so because you have a plan, and the plan just goes to pot. But this is where faith comes into play. I have faith that God knows what he is doing. He doesnt need my help in figuring out my life. He knows when and how and from where the money is going to come from, and I just have to have faith and keep on keeping on.

Sometimes it makes me wonder though, if the money that I am making here isnt going towards the debt, what am I doing here then. Is it necesary to be away from my husband and my kids for so long? What are we gaining with me being here? You have to step back and take a good look at what else is going on. Look for the good in any and all situations. It makes life easier.

So here is what I am seeing as my silver lining...

  • My husband has to take care of all 9 kids by himself, run the household, learn how to budget the money, do the monthly grocery shoping and everything else that I do. I have received many phone calls and texts that basically say how do I do it all, and keep all the numbers of everything (prices for each thing I buy, amount, where its located, what stores have what items cheaper, how long everything should last, who likes what brand of each item, and so on and so forth) and everything else in my head. He has begun to appreciate me and sees that while he used to think that I didnt do much at home, he now sees that I did do alot. I kept the household running pretty smooth, and made it look effortless, or at least semi effortless, LOL. He also sees how not so easy it is to deal with 9 children talking to you - or to eachother - for that matter all at once, while asking for dinner, and everything else. When they arent talking to you, you can block them out (like when I was there, and they were talking to me, even though they were at a low roar, he was able to block them out. Not anymore)
  • My husband sees how much I mean to him. Let me come clean about something. This past year, him and I had a lot of problems. There were a few times when I thought to myself, Im done. Thats it. But then things would be better for a couple of days, and I would get my hopes up, and then we would have a blow up again. When I came up here in January to do my taxes, I came with the intention of using the time away from him to try to decide what exactly it is that I wanted to do in regards to our relationship. Did I want to give it up, or stick around. *silver lining of the accident* I realized that I want to stick around. My marriage to this man is that important to me that I will continue to fight for it. We are working through alot of our problems, and thanks to the accident, he understands what he has to do to help me work through my problems with us.
  • My children - I see how strong they are. I see how much of a good job I have done so far with them. While they do not like the fact that I am here alone, they understand it. They know that it is what is best for our family. They have come together - even the little ones - and are working together, and leaning on eachother, and comforting one another when they need me, and cant get in touch with me.
  • This seperation gives me time to work on myself. Here lately I have lost who I am. I have been mom, and wife, but havent been Jennifer. I give myself to everyone else and do not do anything for me. I take care of everyone else, but not myself. Hence why my health is going to pot. So I am taking this time to do what *I* want to do for myself. I now paint my toenails, I take time to read books (although I need to start going to the library instead of the book section at Walmart - its cheaper), I colored my hair, I have the urge to actually go somewhere and get an actual styled cut done to it. if you know me, thats HUGE. Because my hair style is usually ponytail. Well it still is, but I want an actual style as well. I even bought make up. Who knew, I have a secret girly girl tucked away somewhere.
  • In me working on who I am, I am becoming a stronger person. In so many ways I am a strong person. At least thats what Im told. When people hear about things that I have had to deal with, and there are many things that are not posted on here, and they always tell me that I am strong. I dont see it. Honestly, I see what I do as just that, something that I do. Its what has to be done in the moment, so its done. No big deal. But back to me becoming a stronger person. I have alot of things that I keep buried and dont deal with from way back when, and it affects me now. And now I am dealing with them.
  • I see things much more clear now that I am away from the situation. I can see how I contributed to many of my problems. I mean I am not so naieve to think that I had no part in my problems, but being able to step back, and also seeing how other people interact with eachother, I can see myself and things that I have done to cause many of the problems. And I can see my reasons for acting/reacting the way that I do, and see how it has everything to do with things that I havent dealt with.

There are so many more silver linings, but those are some of the first ones that come to mind. Are you having a hard time right now? Take a look around, take a step back and look at the situation from a distance. What are your silver linings?


Cynthia said...

I am happy that you are finding you... sometimes we as women take ourselves for granted and we put our value in our children and our men. I love reading your blog and I have to say that you are a strong person and even though its hard and sometimes it seems things only get harder your faith is what will see you through. I love the part where you said that God will provide, maybe not in those words but believe me I know that without my faith I have nothing. I wish you luck with everything so you can hurry home to your family!

Lynette said...

Thank you for sharing. It's good to be reminded to love ourselves. Relationships are hard work and the enemy loves to separate and destroy. My fiance returned from Honduras a few months ago and we almost split. I'm still waiting for the silver lining to reveal itself, but God has shown me that I'm His child and He will take care of me. My obedience and faith have done so much. Enjoy pampering yourself. You'll be back home before you know it.

Kellie Santana said...

It's amazing what stepping away from the situation can reveal huh? I'm so happy you are taking care of YOU right now; it will only let you be a better wife and mom when you get back home! Thank you for sharing all of's very inspiring that good can come out of bad situations!!! I hope you get to be back home con tu familia asap!!!

Leidi said...

God says that his yollk is easy and he will not give any burdens that he feels that we can not handle.In saying this he see and he knows and will fights your battles just keep on trusting and believing in him like your are doing and he will see you and your family through.And yes there are times that we as women need to work on just ourselves and find ourselves AS a mother of three and a wife.I understand that there is no time for mom/mi amor. I have to set aside some time just for me. Set aside some time for you only if it is just 1 hour on the weekend to pamper yourself. I unerstand that a family of nine children and a husband are alot to handle. I grew up in a housewhole with 14 siblings and my mom would always somehow make a little time for herself. I do not know when or how,but her and my dad would find a way to make time for each one of them to have their moment just where they can go and pamper themselves, on different days then somtimes together You are strong and you have the faith. I that you are with you family soon and Iwish you luck.

Jane said...

Well, Jennifer, I can relate when you are questioning the seperation of yourself from your hubby for the sake of better finances. I am in the same boat; in that I keep putting off taking a sabbatical & moving myself and kids down to El Salvador to be with my husband. As the time goes on, it is something that I question every day - as I am sure you do. Too bad we don't have crystal balls!

Olancho Bound Gringa said...

A very thought provoking post. I like it. I am glad to hear that you do see the silver lining as so many of us do not take the time to see. I also believe that God has a plan for us even when we can't see how it could possibly ever work. I am constantly amazed by how he puts things together like a puzzle. All that being said, I am sure it is difficult for you & your family to be apart from each other but you are so right - hubby will no longer take for granted the work of a mother. I'm sure he's finding out a Mother's work is NEVER done! Your children are seeing how a family supports each other & does what ever it takes to take care of each other. That's really important. I'm happy to hear that hubby has returned to church, amazing how a life changing experience like a car wreck can remind us of miracles. I'm also happy to hear you are finally taking a little time to yourself. I know Mom's need this although I haven't quite figured out how to work that in yet myself. Best of luck to you, Jennifer. It will all work itself out.